An eyeful

Last night I went to a comedy show for charity called Brainsgiving and it was a lot of fun.  Eventually I found myself quite drunk, going home on the subway, and chewing gum.  It was getting to that point where I no longer wanted the gum in my mouth -- the interplay between its minty flavour and the aftertaste of several beers being what it is -- so, without thinking, I took out the gum.

Then I looked at the gum in my hand and thought, "Shit, where am I going to put this thing."

I definitely didn't want to continue chewing it.  My stop was still a while away, and I didn't want to be a dick and just stick it somewhere under my seat.  But as I thought about it, I realised I didn't have that many options.
By this time, however, the gum was doing a pretty good job of binding my thumb to my index finger.
No problem.  The solution to this, I decided, was to just bunch all the gum together by doing a pinching motion with my fingers, and then toss it away in a neat little ball.  That's what I would do with Sticky Tack, and that's what I will do with this gum.  Easy!

So ten seconds later, there's gum all the fuck over both of my hands.  I spent the rest of the train ride rubbing my fingers and hands together, which increased the gum's surface area or something, and made it possible to gradually separate it from my skin, in the form of minty-sticky eraser bits of gum.  By the end of it, my hands smelled like I had mistakenly applied toothpaste as hand lotion, but I was able to get rid of most of the gum.

I got home, watched an episode of Community, removed and cleaned my contact lenses, and went to bed.

This morning, I was putting in my lenses and noticed that they had little flecks of things on them, but I didn't think much of it, because I'm smart and good at remembering the things that happened not eight hours ago.  So, of course, a moment later, I'm desperately trying to remove the lens from my eye and wondering what the fuck is going on, why does it feel weird and painful and dry and oh god there must have still been some gum on my fingers when I was cleaning my lenses last night, god damn it to hell.

I'm wearing my glasses today.

Are you mad at me

One time in high school chemistry, my teacher was about to get realllll angry with me because I wasn't ready to do a scheduled presentation.  I didn't mean to manipulate him, but I guess I looked really vulnerable and sad when I asked, "Are you mad at me?"  His demeanor changed suddenly and he laughed a little and said it was ok, I could just do my presentation next class.
So um, I highly recommend this course of action when you fuck up, dudes.

This is so COOL.

i like this song

The large man cries :(

Legal dick-waving competition ends abruptly

Labatt's lawyers put their cocks away almost immediately.

MOVIES I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT:

• The Avengers - So many superheroes, all sharing the same movie, I DON'T CARE
• The Amazing Spiderman - Doesn't need to be rebooted, DON'T GIVE A HOOT
• Old movies re-released in 3d - Yeah, I really need cartoon lions/doomed ocean liners/Darth Maul popping out at my face, WHO CARES

I am going to fucking lose it if, just once more...

• ...I see that meme with the six captioned pictures, you know, "what society thinks I do," "what my mom thinks I do," etc.
• ...someone tells me how I just have to watch Big Bang Theory, it's sooo funny
• ...Jeremy Lin anything.

Good times on FB chat