An eyeful

Last night I went to a comedy show for charity called Brainsgiving and it was a lot of fun.  Eventually I found myself quite drunk, going home on the subway, and chewing gum.  It was getting to that point where I no longer wanted the gum in my mouth -- the interplay between its minty flavour and the aftertaste of several beers being what it is -- so, without thinking, I took out the gum.

Then I looked at the gum in my hand and thought, "Shit, where am I going to put this thing."

I definitely didn't want to continue chewing it.  My stop was still a while away, and I didn't want to be a dick and just stick it somewhere under my seat.  But as I thought about it, I realised I didn't have that many options.
By this time, however, the gum was doing a pretty good job of binding my thumb to my index finger.
No problem.  The solution to this, I decided, was to just bunch all the gum together by doing a pinching motion with my fingers, and then toss it away in a neat little ball.  That's what I would do with Sticky Tack, and that's what I will do with this gum.  Easy!

So ten seconds later, there's gum all the fuck over both of my hands.  I spent the rest of the train ride rubbing my fingers and hands together, which increased the gum's surface area or something, and made it possible to gradually separate it from my skin, in the form of minty-sticky eraser bits of gum.  By the end of it, my hands smelled like I had mistakenly applied toothpaste as hand lotion, but I was able to get rid of most of the gum.

I got home, watched an episode of Community, removed and cleaned my contact lenses, and went to bed.

This morning, I was putting in my lenses and noticed that they had little flecks of things on them, but I didn't think much of it, because I'm smart and good at remembering the things that happened not eight hours ago.  So, of course, a moment later, I'm desperately trying to remove the lens from my eye and wondering what the fuck is going on, why does it feel weird and painful and dry and oh god there must have still been some gum on my fingers when I was cleaning my lenses last night, god damn it to hell.

I'm wearing my glasses today.

Are you mad at me

One time in high school chemistry, my teacher was about to get realllll angry with me because I wasn't ready to do a scheduled presentation.  I didn't mean to manipulate him, but I guess I looked really vulnerable and sad when I asked, "Are you mad at me?"  His demeanor changed suddenly and he laughed a little and said it was ok, I could just do my presentation next class.
So um, I highly recommend this course of action when you fuck up, dudes.

This is so COOL.

i like this song

The large man cries :(

Legal dick-waving competition ends abruptly

Labatt's lawyers put their cocks away almost immediately.

MOVIES I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT:

• The Avengers - So many superheroes, all sharing the same movie, I DON'T CARE
• The Amazing Spiderman - Doesn't need to be rebooted, DON'T GIVE A HOOT
• Old movies re-released in 3d - Yeah, I really need cartoon lions/doomed ocean liners/Darth Maul popping out at my face, WHO CARES

I am going to fucking lose it if, just once more...

• ...I see that meme with the six captioned pictures, you know, "what society thinks I do," "what my mom thinks I do," etc.
• ...someone tells me how I just have to watch Big Bang Theory, it's sooo funny
• ...Jeremy Lin anything.

Good times on FB chat

I just had the strangest dream where I was in a gym class led by Conor Oberst. He was making us do push-ups and jumping-jacks in the snow, and it was super brutal! He was being really mean to everyone but then he started to be nice to me because he could see that I was GIVING IT MY ALL AND IT WAS TAKING A TOLL ON MY BODY BUT I WASN'T GIVING UP.

COOL BEANS/SHOWS

This is made with JELLYBEANS, NEAT.

---

Lunar has some shows coming up:

• November 20 at the Central
• December 7 at Rancho Relaxo
• December 23, location TBA

Velvet Underground last nite

1) My frands are the best. I want to hug all of them for ever, actually.

2) Lunar will maybe have some bass happening soon, maybe.

3) We got messages from the Lonely Vagabond fella who was apparently at our show last night? And um, he approves of us, enough to find us on Facebook. Actually, he said he loves our stuff and gave us a couple of leads for possible shows. FEELS REAL GOOD.

I feel gross this morning and I didn't play my best, but I am happy with how this moon piano maintenance crew is going.

Free Times Cafe, Tuesday September 13, 8:30 p.m.

This is when Lunar Piano Tuner's first show is happening.

If you are reading this, I would like for you to be present.

I em stoked.

Free Times Cafe is located at 320 College Street.

Nipple Skulls Boy vs. Erection in the Shower Boy

I got a cheap tremolo pedal on eBay.

My guitar is being repaired and I am anxious to get it back so I can play with my new toy.

I want to get a cool Boss loopy thing also. LOOPING.

I've never been excited about guitar pedals before but I am now. Eeep.

I just found an unpublished entry from June 17:

"I had a funny dream where I was dancing to brassy music with Zooey Deschanel in my basement. It was amazing, obviously."

This was the whole entry. I wish I could remember more. Sounds like a good time was had, although I don't remember having to sneak the sheets down to the washer when I woke up, so how good could it have been? You tease, Zooey.

They taught us all about wet dreams - which are also called "nocturnal emissions," if you want to be all proper about it - in elementary school. I don't remember what they said, but there was a pamphlet called "Changes" that they gave to us kids. It was brilliant. There was a section with questions that were purportedly from REAL KIDS, who asked things like, "In the gym shower, I noticed that Charlie has a bigger penis than me. Does that make him more of a man than I am?" It was also full of lies like, "all penises are about the same length when they are erect," and, "don't worry if you have a boner teepee in your trousers, nobody else will even notice." What a crock!

This reminds me of an incident where, on a class camping trip in sixth grade, I was lined up for the shower and had a boner FOR NO REASON I SWEAR. Anyway it was very apparent because I was wrapped in only a towel (so it wasn't like wearing jeans, in which case you can blame the folding of the denim) and I had to choose between standing up straight and hoping nobody would notice my perpendicular pal, or bending over awkwardly in order to conceal, which would almost be more telling. I think I went back and forth nervously between the two options. Luckily, my classmates and teacher were distracted by the temporary skull tattoos that I had, in a moment that was at once devoid of foresight yet ultimately a good decision, applied to my nipples several days prior to the beginning of the trip. So I was known as nipple skulls boy rather than erection in the shower boy, which I think is a good compromise, in terms of things you want to be called in sixth grade.

Last night, I received maybe the best compliment of all time from Nicole, a friend of Anne's who'd heard our recent recordings. Upon being introduced, she shook my hand and told me, "You sound like M. Ward!" You don't get compared to your hero every day.

"What's gwannin', Owen?"

If you were to ask me, I might answer with the following bullet points:

• Lunar Piano Tuner has changed substantially; it now includes the musical talents of Anne Tong, and we are both pretty excited about it. Related ish is ongoing. Possibly mo people. POSSIBLY. Meantime, please have a gander if you haven't yet: http://listn.to/lunarpianotuner
• It seems that this blog is where I admit to reading things that are not appropriate for my age: I've totally been reading the Hunger Games books, and they are fucking rad. Was up til 6 this morning, reading. No kidding. Don't make fun of me. Main character is a badass girl - deadeye with a longbow. Come on. That's cool as hell. So stoked to see Woody Harrelson act like a drunk asshole in the movies. I am on book three, ok? No spoilers please.
• I've been appointed director of a segment of a comedic short film some school chums want to shoot over the summer. For now I've said yes, but I'm unsure whether I really want to do it. I'm not super interested in it, but maybe that will change.

Scary

I had a really terrifying bout of sleep paralysis last night.

I awoke about half an hour after I had fallen asleep, and realised that I couldn't move any part of me, but I could see my bedroom. I was able to see my hands, but not able to move them. I was really panicked, and it felt like I was in this state for maybe fifteen minutes, but it's entirely possible that it was only one or two.

I can't adequately describe the fear to someone who has never experienced sleep paralysis, but it's this overwhelming, panicked dreading that something awful is about to happen, and no matter how many times it happens, it always scares the hell out of me.

The really bizarre part was that after a while, I guess I slipped into an actual dream, and all of a sudden I was in this strange room I'd never seen before. I thought, "Oh great, now something really scary is going to happen," and then this life-sized porcelain doll with freaky eyes appeared. I feel like it attacked me, but it may have just stood there being scary.

After this, I woke up fully, limbs and all. I had some milk and didn't want to go back to sleep because I was afraid it would happen again. I considered playing a Frasier DVD on my laptop next to my bed, and keeping my face pointed at it, because, I reasoned, nothing bad can happen when Frasier is playing. But then I grew fearful that I would see the screen and experience demonic Frasier hallucinations during sleep paralysis, which would freak me the fuck out, because a haunted TV that you can't turn off is seriously scary as hell. So I just dozed off again.

Sleep paralysis hit at least once more after this. It sucked again.

hello, Kitten

The other day, while I was walking to the bus stop to go to work, a little black kitten appeared. It ran in front of me and then stopped, and stood a few feet ahead of me. I walked past it, and then it darted up in front of me and stopped again. Is this kitten following me? But pretending to lead? I decided to turn around and walk in the opposite direction, and see what kitten would do then. Kitten did the same thing when I walked in the opposite direction. I petted him a bit. But I had to go to work, so I turned again and continued to the bus stop. After a certain point, about thirty or so meters ahead of a main road, kitten stopped following me, but mewed loudly over and over again, until I was too far to hear kitten.

On the way to work, I thought, what if kitten followed me home? I could keep it, and get cat food from Price Chopper, and maybe put an old sweater in a shoebox and that could be kitten's bed, and maybe I could name him Sebastian if kitten is a boy, or Morgan if kitten is a girl, so wouldn't have to keep calling him or her 'kitten' like a retard, and oh I would need a litter box, and maybe a little tub for when kitten needs a bath eventually.

I've been making excuses to walk down that street where kitten followed me, when I have had no reason to go there, in case I might see it again, but I haven't yet. He probably belongs to somebody, but I liked his company very much.

In conclusion, I want a kitten.

My mom is having a karaoke party downstairs with her sisters and brother.
There are more people in the basement playing Mahjong.
It is super Chinesey in my house RIGHT NOW.

I saw a large black man on the bus, wearing a t-shirt that said, "DON'T HOLLA," in huge letters, and below this, "I'm not your boy."

See you in a while, ponytail!

Serial

In my cupboard, there are boxes of Reese Puffs, Cap'n Crunch, Post Selects, Kellogg's Corn Flakes, and Sugar Crisp cereals. They aren't really getting eaten. My grandma just buys things that are on sale sometimes, so now we have a whole lot of breakfast cereals.

My sister Alison says she won't ever get kids' cereals for her kids.

Not even Lucky Charms? I said. Come on.

So when she has kids, I think I'm going to sneak them some fun cereal now and then. Sneaky Uncle Owen.